When Staying Positive Becomes Difficult

Being a positive person, they say, is healthy. Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and say to yourself:

I am beautiful.

I am wholesome.

I am enough.

I am worth loving.

I am an asset.

Say it to build your self esteem. Say this even when you do not feel like it. Say it like you believe it.

And you do.

You do it. Almost religiously. You, who carries years of accumulated trauma right from your teenage years. You, whose self confidence has slowly waned over the years. This same you begins to have steady good days. That you do not question. Because, this should work right? Not just because you think this is magic or anything. This is not your first rodeo. Once upon a time, you may have hated motivational speakers because of this same positivity, rainbows-fly-out-of-ponies talk. No, you believe this should work, because this time, you just believe. This time you want it to work. This time you are so tired of the clouds and the bleak tiredness they come with. This time, you genuinely want to take your life by the reins and be happy.

So yes, this time you carry out this mental exercise almost religiously. (Almost, because this is a new habit you’re trying to groom). And true to their words, you can actually feel it working. Your mood is lifted. You feel happier with yourself. You are more at home in your own skin. Your attitude is better. They are actually working. Almost too well. That inner voice, the voiceover artist to all your over-thinking sessions, resumes duty, in a mocking respectful voice, so you do not think this is suspicious? And because you are still in your euphoric moment of happiness, you easily brush it away – get behind me, Satan. And it does.

And then, on a day you do not even expect, because physical tiredness makes it hard to be mentally alert, you find yourself back. To the very beginning, before the positivity. The physical exhaustion will seep past your mental defences and you will find yourself drowning again. And just before the water goes above your head, you realize what is happening. You catch yourself and assess.

This was supposed to be a challenge. You remember what it’s like under water. You remind yourself of all the reasons why you gave up your gills in the first place. You remind yourself of all the reasons why you gave up the darkness and sought the light. And from there, you find trickles of strength. Not enough to pull you to shore, but enough for you to lean on and catch your breath. You only need to rest. For a while. You’ve felt the warmth. And even though sometimes, it can be scorching, up here you’re not totally alone. You see other people struggling too to make it to the shore. And that gives you hope.

You are not alone.

Resting is good.

Quiescence is healthy too.

It’s okay to take your time to catch your breath.

You’re doing good.

You will get there.

No matter how many times the waves try to pull you down, you will always push yourself and come back up.

Because when staying positive becomes difficult, you refuse to fall so low to the negatives. You resolve to do what you can, rest. Let the positives accumulated so far speak for you.