The Art of Reconciliation
No matter how rosy any relationship may be, there are bound to be differences. Differences lead to disagreements. And disagreements, if not properly handled, lead to falling-outs. Falling-outs hurt. Even the disagreements that lead to the falling-outs hurt. This is how heartbreaks are born, sometimes.
And because we cannot throw out every relationship we form because of a disagreement that is fixable, we resort to reconciliation. A remending of cracked hearts. A way of salvaging what we can from our valuable relationships.
Over the last week, I have had reason and time to think about heartbreaks and reconciliation. The first thing that hit me was that the art of reconciliation is something we have to learn for ourselves as we grow up — or at least, that’s how it is in my case.
Reconciliation is something you decide to do. You have to choose to forgive this person. You have to decide that the friendship you have with this person is greater than the problem you are currently experiencing. You have to decide to state your grievances, agree to work on the workables, and ignore the ignorables.
They say the home is the first everything. The first school. The first church. The first everything. And honestly, home is where I should have learned the true art of reconciliation. But what I learned instead is to be highly tolerable because:
- You cannot continue to hold grudges. You are a Christian, and you are the oldest. What example are you setting for them?
- My friend, stop that argument and hug each other. If I hear one more shout there?
- You get angry too quickly. You are a woman, for God’s sake. How can everything be making you angry?
- They are your sisters. You cannot be angry at everything your family does.
- Anger is not the way of Christians.
It is quite a shocker to grow up with the mindset that you do not really need apologies to move on, only to find that continuously brushing things under the carpet leads to an uneven plain.
I used to be proud to say that I was a non-confrontational person. To date, I would rather take ten additional steps if it would prevent a conflict. I am also very quick to apologize when I know I have offended someone.
I used to be quick to brush things off and let things go. No, that’s a lie.
I used to be very good at bottling things and letting them stew until there was no space. And even the explosion was nothing spectacular. It is usually more of an implosion. Because, believe me, by the time the issues had had time to stew, I would have found a pretty logical way to blame myself for the conflict.
Madness!
I do not know when the wake-up call first rang in my head, but now, I speak up. It takes a while. Sometimes, I still let it stew. But I try not to rationalize and take unreasonable responsibility for disagreements, falling-outs, and conflicts.
I value my relationships intensely, so I am learning to talk about them squarely.
And in this relearning process, I have to consciously educate and remind myself that I have to do better with the next generation.
Reconciliation is not gaslighting the other person into believing that everything is fine.
Reconciliation is saying, I felt XYZ when you did ABC, and I did not like it. I would like to know how we can ensure abc does not happen again so I do not feel XYZ. And hopefully, there’s a reasonable person on the other end of the line to say, I am sorry my ABC made you feel XYZ; let’s work on it together.
Reconciliation is an art. And, as with all other art forms, we must take care in the mending lest we leave bigger, much-harder-to-fix cracks.
Hi, there. I missed you last week. And the week before that. But I’m back now. Let me know what you think about reconciliation. And try to clap as much as you can before you leave. Viel Danke.
