10 Things I Wish Parents Knew (Part 1)
I work in a school as a special educator. One of the perks of my job is that I do not get to bear the burden of being a full-time teacher.
The school environment is a homely environment for me. I thrive in places where there is a continuous exchange of knowledge.
There was even a time after graduating from the university when I started missing school — the thrill of walking into Dr. Egbon, Dr. Nosa, or Prof. Myke’s office for a conversation, the rush of having to write essays and turn in assignments, the charged atmosphere of scholarly conversations.
These memories and emotions are quite different from those I have from primary school. Often, at work, I catch myself comparing my primary school to the primary school where I work. I compare our cliques back then to the cliques I see now. I watch the character progression and development of each child and wonder if this was how our teachers saw us.
I still remember my teachers from primary school. In my mind’s eye, I can see their faces as if yesterday was the last time I saw them. Mrs. Omofuma, Mrs Itua, Mr. Ohunyon, Ms. Franca, and Mr. John. Maybe someday, I will go in-depth into what primary school was like for me.
For now, I want to write about the things I wish to tell the parents of the children I have to watch every day. I write this not just for them but also for other parents who will read it. I write this for myself, too, in case, for some twisted reason, I become something else.
Here are 10 things I wish parents would know (judging by the children I watch and work with):
This Is Not What I Ordered vs What I Got
With children, the best you can do is ask for one. Even if, by some miracle, you place an order for a particular sex and get it, that’s where your specifications request ends.
You do not decide the traits and attributes they will get. You do not determine their personality. All you can do is guide them into what you hope they will be.
In the best-case scenario, they will actually go in the way you point them to. In the worst-case scenario, you will point them in a direction, and they revolt and break out of the mold you have created for them.
Dear parents, do not try to force your expectations down your child’s throat. Your child is your own person, and you should teach your child how to be the best version of that person.
What You Get Is Unique — Every Time
My parents tried to model my sisters after me. It backfired. Sometimes, I wonder how different we would have been if they had taken the time to understand each child and raised us with a differentiated approach.
I see and hear parents comparing and comparing. I want to ask, Have you tried noting where this child excels instead of focusing completely on how they’re not measuring up?
Dear parents, every one of your children is unique, not a clone or imperfect version of another.
Parenting Is A Full-Time Job
I’ll say it again, Parenting is a full-time job. And you will always begin at entry level with each child.
Sometimes, I totally understand why previous generations used to insist that women stay home and care for the children. I understand.
But times have changed. Everyone’s hands need to be on deck to provide for the family. In the same way, everyone’s hands should be on deck to do everything else, too, including raising the children. Intentionality should abound in all areas. And if it doesn’t, guess who suffers? The children.
There are so many children today who do not have any fond connection with their parents. Their parents cannot accurately describe their child’s personality. The argument most often is, “I provide for them. I am working hard to ensure they lack nothing.”
Dear parent, your child most likely lacks nothing except that which they actually need the most, especially in their formative years. That thing is you. They lack You.
Your Child Is Yours and Yours Alone
You know the saying, it takes a village…?
LOL.
When you have your child, everyone will come around, including relatives. Everyone will want to spoil them, discipline them, and love them. Then, you’ll take them to school and entrust them to a teacher.
What most parents fail to understand is that all these other people have their lives to live. Your child is not their entire life. In fact, the only person who cares for that child entirely and utterly, without any reservations, is you — you and the other person responsible for the child’s genetic makeup or direct upbringing.
If, by some miracle, you happen to meet an angel in human form who loves your child unconditionally, it is not up to you to start laying expectations and whatnot.
Here’s a story: One time, I was taking home lessons with this particular sweet then-grade-five boy. Let’s call him J. Now, I try my best to form a bit of a jovial relationship with my students because I can be fearsome and strict (or so I’ve been told). So, I chat and crack jokes often to remind them that Ms. Ose is not always a monster. During one of these chatting moments, J and I were talking, and he said, “Teachers like to say that they love us like we’re their own children. But it’s not true. They just want to get paid.”
This statement made me pause because it is true. And if J could see it, it would mean many other children could see it, too.
I will speak for myself and say, I love children but working with children is hard, hard work. And there are times when I have thought to myself and even said out loud, “If not that, I would be broke and jobless; I would quit right now.”
Dear parent, other people may love your child, but it will never be so much that they would want to give their last drop of blood for them. Only you can feel the love to that extent. Only you.
Your child’s teacher is not a miracle worker
Deep, deep breaths.
Building on the last point, this one is just as personal. Why would you, as a parent who knows how tedious it is to manage at most six children, expect a teacher who cares for 10–18 children at a time to work wonders?
Don’t get me wrong; there are uplifting stories here and there about how a teacher changed a pupil’s life or how influential a particular teacher was. I do not dispute that.
Let me explain the current educational system (in Nigeria), especially in the private sector: A school employs a teacher to work in a school where the parents pay thousands of naira per term. Let’s say the teacher becomes a class teacher. They must teach, complete lesson notes, plans, and diaries watch out for the children’s behavior, mark homework, follow up with each child, especially if the school insists on a differentiated system of learning, organize and engage in extracurricular activities, repeat lessons sometimes because some children are slow, try to be aligned with the lesson plan, ensure the children understand the lessons taught, and ensure the children pass their exams in flying colors.
(Sometimes, I understand why my mother used to come back home angry).
Oh! I forgot to add: The severest punishment you can give when the children misbehave is to tell them to write lines, do community service (which is sweeping and cleaning classes), speak with the counselor, or get an infraction form (which, let’s be honest, doesn’t apply to everybody). Any other punishment is most likely a form of abuse. It would put your job on the line if the school decides to fire you or your freedom on the line if the parents are wealthy enough to sue you in court.
With all of this on the teacher’s mind, you expect a teacher to ensure that your child passes with scores above 90 in all subjects. Even though all parties involved know that the child is an average student.
Dear parent, wake up and be realistic. On one hand, know your child’s strengths and push them towards excellence there. On the other hand, know your child’s weaknesses and push them towards improvement there. Don’t kill your child’s teacher with undue pressure. If it’s so easy, you do it.
… to be continued
Hey, if you enjoyed reading this, Thank you for staying till the end. If you agree with the points raised here, hit the clap button hard (50 times, really) and tell me your favorite point. If you disagree, let me know why in the comments. I’ll be waiting.
